


On a Field I lost My Mind

by Karnikiss13



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Break Up, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-16 11:49:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21035762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karnikiss13/pseuds/Karnikiss13
Summary: Tobin knows she loves Christen more than she ever deserves.  Then why did she meet up with her to break up?  She has a girlfriend and she deserves better than this.  She deserves better than Tobin sneaking off and still deeply in love with Christen.  *The break up fic no one asked for or wants.*





	On a Field I lost My Mind

She scrubbed her face with her hands; her frustration at it’s peak. The weather was cool and no matter how much her body usually ran warm she felt frozen to the bone. Any moment now she will feel momentarily relief. It will be fleeting and will kill everything but her physical body.

Of course, she would pick a stupid park and soccer field. It was such a cliché but it was a place they both knew well. This was how they met. Where they first became teammates and then developed into more. They had become so much more. Now they were about to quit everything they had ever been.

“Hey,” the all familiar soft voice said from behind her. She turned and her breath caught at the woman all bundled up. Her cheeks and nose were red from the cold, but she had a small smile on her lips, like she could brave the cold as long as she was there.

“Hey,” she greeted back and shook her head as the woman came to a stop in front of her. “Where’s your gloves?”

“In my other jacket,” she said with a small laugh and shrugged. Instantly she reached out and pulled them into her hands and rubbed at them instantly bringing them warmth. “You’re always so warm.”

“It’s your California blood,” she teased and raised the hands to her mouth and blew on them. “You’ve been spoiled with sunshine and beaches.”

“I’ve spent winters in the snow, with you.”

“And you were so bundled up you had to wobble.”

“You didn’t complain when you got to undress me in front of the fire,” she teased and took a step closer into the other woman’s arms.

“Chris,” she said trying to ignoring the instant image that memory had caused. “We can’t do this anymore. This has to stop.”

“Stop?” she shook her head her fingers desperately wrapping between hers. “I don’t understand.”

“I thought I could- “she began but had to stop when tears clogged her throat. She shook her head and bowed it. The grass at their feet was crisp and cold and she could see the freeze to it. “She just lost her mother, and I can’t leave her Chris. She needs me.”

“No,” she croaked out. “Tobin,” she gasped her grip tight and painful. “You don’t mean that. You can’t mean that.”

“It’s been so long and we’ve been on and off forever. We’ve just been dragging this out.”

The words were cruel and had their desired effect. The raven-haired woman released her hold and stumbled back. Her body trembled under the overhead lights soft sobs echoing through the deserted park.

“How can you say that?” she gasped her hands coming to her mouth trying to contain the sobs wanting to rip from her throat. “Tobin how?”

“Chris,” she started but her words stuck in her throat. The woman standing a few feet from in front of her was falling apart, and she couldn’t reach out for her. She was desperate to yank her into her arms and promise her forever. They had made that promise a million times before but this time it wasn’t going to happen.

“Christen it’s over. We’re not doing this anymore,” she said her voice firm but her insides a trembling mess.

“I don’t understand. Last weekend we spent it together. You told me you loved me. Tobin, you said you wanted forever with me.”

“I lied,” she said a smirk on her lips.

“You lied?” she repeated her bottom lip trembling.

“I know how to get what I want out of you. I’ve been doing it for years.”

Christen bit down on her trembling bottom lip and shook her head. It had to be a lie. Tobin would never mean that. They’ve been together so long and had been through so much. She could see right through the brunette when she was lying. Still, the words had the desired effect.

“I love you,” Christen breathed, her eyes moved up and holding Tobin’s. She knew the woman’s eyes couldn’t lie to her.

Tobin clenched her jaw tightly as the words left Christen’s lips and drifted over to her. Those were words no matter how many times she had heard them from her, she craved and desired them. No matter who had said them before they never meant more or was more genuine than when the forward said them to her.

The first time hadn’t seemed like a memory she would keep possessively locked away, but Tobin cherished it. It wasn’t a grand gesture but it meant so much to her. The moment was purely them and she kept it to herself even when people had asked her the story. She would make something up and Christen would smile her special smile for her and do the same.

* * *

_It had been a day where they had escaped the team and went to practice with just the two of them. Tobin of course was hogging the ball it attached to her feet as usual. It was making Christen frustrated that she couldn’t get a touch as Tobin pulled it back every time she almost got one._

_It had been with a growl that Christen had wrapped a foot around Tobin’s ankle to get the ball and knocked them both to the ground. Tobin had quickly grabbed her girlfriend’s waist as they fell and made sure she had taken the brunt of the impact._

_With the air knocked from her she tried to glare up at the woman lying on top of her. Christen though had her arms locked out with a palm beside Tobin’s head wearing a grin. She looked ridiculously amused._

_“What was that?” Tobin asked when she had air back in her lungs._

_“Trying to keep things fair,” she said with a smirk. Then she leaned down and kissed her girlfriend with seemingly all the time in the world._

_Tobin’s hands tightened around the hips in her hands kissing her back deeply. The taste of Christen was so familiar but never disappointed. Tobin always thought about how she would order her favorite food but then be disappointed as it didn’t taste as good as she built up in her head. Christen though somehow tasted better with every kiss. She was home, safe, warm and her future._

_“You’re lucky you’re so cute,” Tobin said tucking a curly strand of hair behind one of Chris’ ears. She loved it when it was down and curly._

_“Says the cute one in the relationship,” Chris teased and giggled when Tobin’s ears turned pink. She knew Chris called her sweet things all the time but compliments made her blush easily. It always made the forward laugh at the blush it caused._

_“Oh please,” Tobin said rolling her eyes and brought a hand up to her girlfriend’s cheek. “You know you’re so beautiful. I don’t know how I got this lucky,” she said softly her thumb caressing her cheek. “When you smile at me my heart literally skips a beat.”_

_“Tobin,” Chris breathed._

_“Your name is tattooed on my heart and my soul is branded yours,” Tobin said softly her words soft but the meaning heavy._

_The woman lying on her elbows bent and she pressed a long deep kiss onto her mouth. Tobin brought her other hand up to hold her face as they kissed there lying on the ground beneath them._

_Chris pressed her forehead against Tobin’s as she settled into the words that her girlfriend had just whispered up to her. The sweet soft words made her chest ache in the best kind of way. The sentiment was shared and Chris knew this was what she wanted forever._

_“Tobin,” she breathed lifted her head and waited until brown eyes opened and looked up at her. “I love you.”_

_“I love you too,” she said back gently as pretty green eyes began to get blurry as both their eyes filled with tears. “I love you too Chris,” she said her chest swelling with happiness and leaned up to kiss her again sealing the moment._

* * *

“I need to get on with my life,” Tobin said through clenched teeth. “I’m so tired of you pulling me back and forth. I don’t want this anymore.”

“You don’t want this anymore?” Christen said repeating her words. “You were the one that came to me Tobin. When you had a girlfriend, you were the one calling me on the phone. You were the one booking hotel rooms and flying to see me.”

“It’s over.”

“Just like that? Just like that you’re going to throw over a decade away because you felt some kind of guilt?” Christen bowed her head and started to absently move her fingers looking to move the blood in them trying to keep them warm. Her face where the tears had fallen was burning and her chest was a cold aching mess.

“This isn’t about guilt.”

“Do you love her?”

Tobin sucked in a breath and squeezed her hands into fists making her short nails cut into her palms. She was entirely thankful that the forward’s head was bowed and her eyes were elsewhere. Here she had to pull some theatrics. She had to tell her a lie that made her want to crawl into a hole and never come back.

Her love for Christen was all encompassing. She loved the woman across her more than she thought ever possible. She loved her with every piece of her that was broken and injured and healed and nurtured by the other woman. There was absolutely no room for anyone else in her heart, in her soul.

“Of course, I do,” she said through wooden lips.

Christen slowly brought up her head and carefully watched the woman across from her. Taking a few shaky steps, she brought herself close and stood there. She was close enough that she could feel Tobin’s cool breath on her cheek. The warm brown eyes were keeping away; Christen was looking at her a sign that she wasn’t being truthful.

“Look at me,” she said her voice shaky with fear. “Look at me Tobin,” she said her voice firm almost sharp.

The brunette midfielder huffed in frustration and shifted her gaze to hers in anger. She thought this would have been easier. She had thought she would have told her it was over and Chris would have walked away. Really, she should have known better. She should have known Chris was used to her dumping on her when she was upset and scared.

“Do you love her?” Christen repeated.

* * *

_Her body ached and her throat burned from her tears. All she wanted to do was walk through the door drop her bag and sink into warm comforting arms. She wanted her girlfriend to just hold her and make her think of anything but the damn loss. It had been so rough but she had something to look forward to, Chris. Chris was at home waiting for her._

_Her bag dropped to the ground and she lifted her head when she inhaled the familiar scent of soap and her girlfriend. Tobin’s breath caught at how beautiful she looked standing there waiting for Tobin to make the move. She was waiting and Tobin knew that she just had a few steps to fall into her arms and everything would be okay again._

_Somehow a cruel thought jumped into her head. Here was her girlfriend, the love of her life, waiting on standby and she thought about how she had never lost a game like this. Christen never played on a field where she had lost six to zero. She never had to sit on the field after it was over unable to move because she was so upset and defeated. How could she play on the national team if she couldn’t even score one damn goal? Why was she here with that damn soft smile when Tobin was miserable?_

_“I lost,” Tobin mustered out still not filling the distance she desperately wanted to._

_“I’m sorry,” Christen said softly._

_“You were there. You saw the game.” She nodded._

_“I was in the box.”_

_Tobin felt anger start to bubble in her chest and underneath her skin. She had been in the box. She had been in the box out in the open where everyone could see her. All Tobin had to do was open some form of social media and see all of the sighting all the fans posted. It made her jaw clench in frustration. She knew she shouldn’t be mad at Christen for coming to watch her and cheer her on. Instead she was upset because it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Her girlfriend should have come and it be nothing more than a fleeting thought._

_“Great,” Tobin said instead with a sneer on her face. “Now it’s going to be blown up. My inbox is going to be a mess. You could have just stayed here and watched it on t.v.”_

_Christen opened her mouth, but then shut it and nodded. Tobin knew what she had been about to say. It made her even madder. She had been there because Tobin had asked her to. Tobin had wanted her there. Instead Christen bit down on her bottom lip and let Tobin lash out at her._

_“You didn’t think about what it would look like did you? You never think about anything do you? I’m so tired of it always affecting me.”_

_Tobin turned her head away from the obvious hurt washing over the forward’s face. She was silent as Tobin started taking out her hurt and frustration on her. Looking away her head turned and saw the food on the table. A gut punch made her almost take out a chunk of her tongue. Not only had Christen went and watched her game but then she had come back while Tobin was in the locker room sulking and made her, her favorite dinner._

_“I bet it was really hard to watch the game wasn’t it? It must have drove you crazy that we were upset afterwards. I mean there was no smiley Christen Press on the field smiling at everyone. Smiling when they pass you shitty passes and thumbs up when you skyrocket a ball over the net like a fucking pk.”_

_That last one was too much and it got Tobin a audible reaction finally. Christen let out a sob, it yanking from her chest and making her eyes glisten with tears. Tobin immediately wanted to go to her. All she had wanted to do was sink into her arms and be held. Now she was throwing insults and harsh words because she felt horrible. Making Chris feel that way was not making her feel any better though. It was making her feel a different pain in her chest her whole body feeling weighted by her anguish._

_“Why are you even here Christen? I mean you don’t even like woman, do you? The only people you ever fucked were guys. I don’t feel like being a college experiment,” she scoffed._

_It was the lowest of blows but it was one of Tobin’s greatest fears. Why was Christen really with her? She had only had boyfriends and now here she was with Tobin living a life hidden away. They were open to their friends and family. Really it was Tobin that didn’t want everyone to know. She wanted to keep Christen to herself. Once people knew they wouldn’t get any rest and time to themselves. Would they be just another poster child like Rapinoe and Sue were?_

_“I’m going to bed. I don’t want company,” she said with a wave of her hand to the guest room._

_Chris wasn’t company but she didn’t want her in their bed. She didn’t want to wrap her arms around her and sink into the warmth and the strength that she had just shoved away. Instead she went towards their room and put the final zinger on the horrible night. Tobin purposely passed her and tensed her shoulder knocking it roughly into her girlfriend when she passed. It had the desired reaction she had wanted; as she passed Christen let out a pained gasp._

_Once she was in their room, she didn’t waste any time dropping into their bed and burying her face into Christen’s pillow. The smell of her all-natural shampoo filled Tobin’s lungs and heart calming her down. Her anger slowly dwindled down as the smell of the forward wrapped around her. The exhaustion was pulling Tobin under and she had one last thought of slipping under the weighted duvet smelling Christen as she passed out still fully clothed._

* * *

“Yes,” Tobin hissed through a clenched jaw her breath pushing the soft hairs around Christen’s forehead.

“Like you love me?” she shot back.

Tobin’s hands curled into fists at her sides and she could feel the trembling begin in her knee. This was supposed to be quick and easy. She was supposed to tell Chris it was over and it was time to move on. They both needed to move on. Now she hadn’t been prepared for Christen to fight back.

“That-that’s not fair,” she said a tremble to her voice.

“Tobin, do you love her like you love me?”

No, the answer was undoubtedly no. She didn’t even love the other woman. Instead she squeezed her eyes shut the green eyes boring right into her soul. Grinding her teeth, she tried to pull herself together and snapped her eyes open again.

“No,” she said her throat thick with her tears. “I love her more.”

Chris stumbled back a few steps as if Tobin had raised a hand against her. She could feel as if the midfielder’s hand had punched right through her chest squeezing her heart. Bringing a hand to where all the pain radiated, she nodded tears burning her eyes and throat. Rubbing absently at the pain she took a few more steps away as if distance could heal a crushed heart.

“Then I guess this is it,” Christen said her voice wet and small. Tobin nodded and took one last glance.

She drank in the woman that had been hers for so long and not long enough. She greedily drank in the woman who was just as tall as her but looked so small in the moment. She watched as tears streamed down, chilling her cheeks and quickly turned them a painful red. She took in the hand with the long slim fingers that had held hers and touched her with such devotion and love now dig into her chest gripping at her heart. She blinked at the long curly hair falling over her shoulders and down her back itching for her hand to get tangled in those beautiful curls. She watched her bottom lip tremble and get bitten on by straight white teeth and a peak of a pink tongue.

As she turned, she heard for the last time, the sobs that came unfiltered from Christen’s soul raw and real. It made her own tears flood her eyes them finally escaping. She didn’t know how she made it through such lies. How did those words leave her lips? Did she really just lie and about something so real so pure?

Clenching her hands into painful fists she made her way to her car. It wasn’t that far away, but her whole body was trembling so badly she thought she was about to fall. Still she composed herself and made it. She yanked the door open and once she was in the dark tinted car, she allowed herself to fall apart. The painful sob that ripped from her throat echoed loudly throughout the empty car. She gripped the steering wheel and dropped her head to it as she let herself fall apart.

* * *

_“Hey! I’m Tobin,” she greeted bringing the ball from her feet up to her arms and held out a hand to the woman standing across from her._

_“I know,” the woman laughed but shook her hand. “I’m Christen.”_

**Author's Note:**

> So this came up when me and my bff were walking back to our cars from the pride parade. I started humming a song and she knew what it was although I had been stumped. Then we belted it out the rest of the way...and now here we are. The hardest thing from 98 degrees. I think we were in a boy band mood that day. 
> 
> Anyway I wanted way more angst and I may use the flashback where Tobin loses the game to write something else. Oh and I really can't do anything but happy endings. I promise!
> 
> Let me know what you think. This is my first Tobin/Christen.


End file.
